A Few Things to Remember About Fetlife

1.    There is more to life than Fetlife.  

No matter how many times you check the site, you are not going to be blasted by some blazingly new enlightenment about yourself, or swamped by a ton of sexy bits who suddenly want a taste of you.   Get your ass off of the computer for at least four hours a week - by going to a munch, a class, or a play party.

2.   There is MORE to life than FETLIFE.    

If you are basing your opinions on people, fetishes, situations, or claims of rape/harassment/abuse/consent-violations on things you have read/loved/been told/heard about on Fetlife - you are part of the problem.   Please, for the love of god - go out into the REAL scene and learn something worthwhile.   Like macrame.   Or karaoke.

3.  The site is what it is, and not a whit more.  

It's a great place to find event listings.   A decent way to find people to talk to (in real life, eventually).   To find great wank-fodder (big ups to K&P).   It makes it easy to find and schedule an appointment with a Pro Domme, or to locate time-wasting, entertaining writings.   But.   It is NOT the scene.   It is NOT a court (other than the Kangaroo kind).   It is NOT a "community".    It is a reflection of the community, tainted through a medium that allows for interaction with absolutely zero accountability.  

4.  It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy.  

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of predators and AssHoles (notice the caps?) on there who will gladly collect your photos, stalk you and hunt you via teh interwebs, randomly show up at your work (this one happened to Cassie), threaten to blackmail you, try to seduce you and then never show up, scam you for money/tribute/gifts, break your heart for giggles, set up a "private extra special play date" to rape you, or drop by play parties uninvited by name-dropping you.  In this, it reflects real life.  

(Please note, not a single gender noun was used - these AssHoles exist in all genders, sexual preferences and orientations).     Your best defence?   Get thee to a nunnery.   (Or to a few community events, where you can learn the lay of the land and speak with fellow kinksters.)

5.  It is NOT a Court of Record.   (See #3.)  

No matter how hard you try to create your "case" and gather your "witness stories" or create "warning posts" about "hardcore abusers", you are not doing a damned thing to help anyone.    In some cases, you are actually hurting people when those claims are false.   In other cases where the abuse is real, you're notifying potential victims (which can be good, sometimes) but tainting any hope for prosecution (when witnesses share or "corroborate", it becomes REALLY easy to attack for a lawyer).  

Encourage victims (whether legitimate, imagined, or suspecting they are victims) to contact a Victim's Advocacy group and move forward from there.   No one has to go to court alone - every state in the US funds various government-run and non-profit victim advocacy groups.   Take those claims to a real court - and actually do something about cleaning up the scene.

6.  It is a wretched hive of...you get the point.  

There is going to be drama.   TONS of it.   Remember #3?    A "medium that allows for...with zero accountability?"      That one guy's ex?   She's going to go screaming "rape", "abuse", etc., and there's a good chance that it's the opening salvo to a divorce settlement or a custody battle.  The guy who solicits your photos from a blank profile, or asks you about that married woman you played with?   Could easily be a divorce lawyer, or an estranged husband getting ready for court.   The real world is what it is, and if you think it doesn't intrude into Fetlife just because Fetlife is "private"?    I've got some great bridges to sell you.

7.   Think your private profile is private?   Think again.    

Fetlife takes less than 30 seconds to sign up, and a pair of right-clicks to save your photo, thanks to their little "photo protection" trick.   I've found "private" photos of  my girl Cassie being used on a spam dating profile on Collarspace/Collarme, and my professional work from K.Fetish Photography is being sold on Etsy by a "blank seller" profile.  

I've also taken two reports in the last year where the complainant wanted their ex arrested for still having "compromising" photos of them on Fetlife.  Yes, they named Fetlife.  And the ex's username and real name.  (Thank God for Victim Advocates..."here's the complainant's report, good luck with it, peace out.")

8.   You WILL run into people from the site.  

Being on there, with even the tiniest pictures, will boost your visibility into the stratosphere.   Baristas will give you funny looks because they've seen your spread anus.

The copy boy at Staples will leer when he remembers the cock piercings you have under your pants.  And someone, somewhere in your office, knows about your preference for anal.   Get used to it.

9.  Like any website of its kind, Fetlife becomes addictive.  

You get so wrapped up in drama, conversations, sexy photos, and flirting that you lose sight of the fact that it's just a site.   Make it a point to police your time on there - or you'll find an entire Saturday morning gone.

10.  Fetlife is a privilege, not a right.  

As much as we slam the Caretakers and Baku, just remember that they can shut it off at any point and walk away to jobs elsewhere.