Vetting vs. Creeping

AKA The Difference between Safety and Stalking.

Lots of questions, intelligent ones, about my previous pieces on vetting, “How Does Vetting Work, AKA How Cyber-Stalking Saved Your Life”.   And please, for the love of Pete, keep asking the questions.  I love intelligent questions, even if they disagree with my stance.  It shows that there are people out there thinking, considering, and growing, rather than just flaming.   (I get flames too, and I’m not nearly as delicious as a Whopper!)  

There is a meaningful difference between creeping (or cyberstalking) and vetting. It may be subtly rooted in subtext and semantics—but it's real. Similarly, 'private information' and 'confidential information' are not the same.  

I want to clarify this point, as I've heard a lot about “my right to privacy” here in the States—a concept that isn’t exactly what people think it is. At least, not in America. To readers in Canada, the European Union, the UK, and elsewhere, I can’t comment on your laws. (By the way, I miss your accents. God, they were sexy.)

So.   In the US.    You have the right to keep your confidential information confidential once it is given to another party that has entered into a confidentiality agreement.  Confidential information is medical information, banking information, genetically based information, governmentally generated information, and voting information.  (There are a few others I can’t remember, but you get the gist of it.)      

Criminal records, sexual history, home address, property ownership, bankruptcy status, debt information (in certain states), sexual health (in certain other states), religion, income level, prior history of relationships?   Those things aren’t confidential information.   That’s private information.  

You have a right to certain privacy protections in business dealings, health care, and dealings with your government (those are generally state-mandated or provided by state statutes, not by constitutional law).   In practice (case law), there are protections regarding privacy disclosures in certain circumstances.    

These are primarily based on judicial interpretations of the 9th, 5th, 3rd, and 4th amendments.   Some states also include language in their statutes to ensure privacy protections and options for redress in certain transactions with public entities.  

All that said, none of these constitute an absolute “right to privacy.” Please consult your attorney—I certainly have.

The absolute right to privacy doesn’t exist, folks.  

Oh, and one other thing?   Once you put it out there on your own?   Privacy protection?   Pretty much gone.    If you’ve put it up on Facebook, Myspace, Fetlife, or other forums (I’ll leave the argument of “public” vs. “closed” and “informed vs. accidental” to the courts), you’ve tossed aside a LOT of your privacy protections.     Maybe you’ll win the court case down the road.   (Especially if they used your private information for commercial gain.)   Perhaps you won’t.  (You probably won’t.)    

Either way, you’ve voluntarily put that info out there on the internet.   Please bear that in mind.  

So.   Mini-rant over.   To the Real Topic.   Vetting vs. Creeping.  

In a previous post, I joked that cyber-stalking can save your life. To clarify, that was humor, not a legal assertion. Jokes are meant to entertain and should not be mistaken for serious advice.  

We can agree that Cyber Stalking/Creeping and Vetting have a lot in common, as many readers who contacted me noted. That said, street racing and NASCAR share similarities as well. So do pit fights and MMA. However, the former are illegal while the latter are sports—intent and structure make all the difference.  

The techniques of creeping  (such as asking questions and examining answers, following a person’s profile, browsing their posts, Googling a person’s username, talking to their friends and enemies) are nothing more than due diligence.   They’re the same techniques used by private investigators, law enforcement officers, and investigative journalists daily.    If you put it out there, they’re going to follow your “breadcrumbs” all the way back and put together a profile.   That’s not a violation of your privacy – it’s an intelligent use of the hunter/gatherer instinct.    

(Don’t like it?   Stop leaking information.   OPSEC isn’t just a word; it’s a mentality.  And good luck with that – I know very few modern people who can go ten minutes without posting to Twitter or Facebook. )

Because my rants flow more smoothly in the bulleted/numbered format, here are a few notes on Creeping vs. Vetting.

1.   Consent.  

If you are vetting someone, 99 times out of 100, they know it.   If they were smart, they probably gave you a list of references to start from.   By approaching you about a relationship, they consent to your learning about them.   That’s part of the first stages of any relationship.    Vetting is learning it early on, and in depth.    It is the process of assessing claims, prior relationships, reputations, and images, and then comparing them with the facts.  

Creeping is following someone who never knows you’re there and probably never will.   Cyber-stalking occurs when the relationship is one-sided or exists only in the stalker's mind.   You’re learning about them, but they aren’t learning about you (because they probably don’t know you’re there).  

2.   Motivation.  

If you are vetting someone, you are looking out for your own safety.   You are looking for warning signs that stand out like a toothless hillbilly screaming, “Run Bitch, run!”    Your motivation should be a feeling of caution.    

Creeping, your motivation is a sense of adoration and awe – and the need to “possess” the person.   Here’s an easy test: are you saving pictures of them on your hard drive?   Reading and re-reading all of their posts with a bit of drool on your lips?   Giggling while you read their “witty quips”?   That’s creeping, not vetting.  

3.   Type of Information.  

If you’re vetting, you are filtering for information that ensures safety and verifies truth.   Did he really attend M/s Conference 27 times?   Has he taught at an actual event, or was it his friends in someone’s basement?   Has a local elder seen him play safely before?    Have any previous partners mysteriously been diagnosed with STDs?     You are verifying claims – not gathering fan-girl info and printing out glossies of their Fet pics.    You are checking on previous relationships, not digging through trash for their credit score.   That’s vetting.

If you are filtering for confidential personal information, then it’s a different story.   Dick size, favorite sexual position, favorite fruit basket assortment, where his parents live, what kind of rope does he like redheads to use on the full moon in November?   That’s creeping.   If you’re asking, “What flavor oil will he like while I’m worshiping his magnificence?”    That’s Creeping.    (And very creepy creeping, too…everyone knows cinnamon is the proper flavor while worshiping my…err…never mind.)

4.   Intent.    

Vetting and Creeping are opposites on the intent scale.   Vetting is intended to test the waters while remaining ready to run.   The purpose of creeping is to feel closer to the person.  The former is a careful review of statements, proceeding slowly.   The latter will feel like you’re diving in, head over heels in glittery vampire love.    Consider: why are you asking questions?    To be a safer person, or to become the “perfect” partner?  

5.   Outcome.  

Sadly enough, in our lifestyle, honest vetting often leads to running.   There are a LOT of predators in this lifestyle, and a lot of idiots.   If the outcome is you heading for the hills, it was vetting, not creeping.   If the result is that you carefully enter a balanced relationship while your friends observe, it’s vetting, not creeping.   If the outcome is you going on a date after making your Safe Call and deciding he seems like a good guy… that’s vetting, not creeping.  

If the outcome is you glomming onto him anime-style with giggles and licks…it was probably creeping.    If you’ve dyed your hair, pierced things, or bought an outfit “for him” when you aren’t in a long-term relationship?  Creeping.    And if you have so many pictures of him that you know about his Monopoly-shaped birthmark before the first date?   That’s definitely creeping.

I hope this has helped.    I hope my cynicism and sarcasm haven’t buried the (otherwise slightly) valuable information too deeply.   I’m not suggesting, for even a minute, that you install spyware in your professed beloved’s iPhone.   Nor do I think you need to talk to anyone’s grade school teachers (unless you’re a professional investigator – then go ahead).    But do your homework.   Ask questions.   Dig up what’s available.  

Because at the end of the day, the difference between a safe play date and a disaster is often something as simple as information.   That’s all I’m trying to get across – in this, and in the other posts on Vetting.    Know who you are playing with.  Know who they’ve played with before, and know what you’re getting yourself into.  

Information is just knowledge that we haven’t absorbed yet.  

And knowledge is power.  

And as always, good luck with your journey,